Been feeling ‘blah’ for a while now, can’t write (as you can see, I haven’t posted here for a while), can’t read, can’t kick-start my creativity, so no art, <sigh> can’t do much of anything. I haven’t been replying to emails or to ‘phone messages, so if you’re reading this, and I haven’t got back to you, it’s nothing personal, OK? I’m not sure what’s going on, but I think I go into shut-down mode when I am stressed, like it’s my way of panicking - to not do anything. I don’t think my ‘blah’-ness is physically related to the M.S., but it can often affect my symptoms (yes, I have experienced the joys of ‘blah’ before).
I know I still have loads to catch up on (art-wise) from the last time I shut-down, but now I am doubley behind and a bit of me thinks that I can’t possibley catch up so I might as well not try to. I have recently changed (or is that, added to?) my meds, so my feelings of ‘blah’ might be a side-effect of those. I might also be moving home in the next couple of weeks, anxiety relating to this, is, I think, more likely the reason for my ‘blah’-ness. The new flat is quite near to my present flat, location-wise, with the added bonus of an extra bedroom (read as, craft room!) but there are a host of other reasons why I am feeling anxious about moving. It is very much a case of swings and roundabouts with regards to pro’s and con’s.
OK, positive points first, I think…
- extra double bedroom
- south-facing garden
- spiffy new WC which, as I understand it, has some wonderful tricks up it’s sleeve - lol!
- loads of storage space, in fact, a small store-room
- it is close enough to the tube station not to affect Miles’ journey to work
- separate kitchen with a door to close it off from the rest of the flat - yayyy!
- it is near a huge supermarket so shopping won’t be a problem
Now the concerns….
- the ceilings are low, therefore the flat seems smaller
- the windows are small, so there is less naural light, also making the rooms feel smaller, darker, and less airy
- the garden is about half the size of the garden I have now
- it is very near a train line
- it is on a large estate - I’ve never lived an an estate before and this one just shouts “ESTATE” at you. That probably sounds awful, I know.
- laying flooring (there is none, presently) will be expensive and we don’t have the shekels right now
- I’ve been given very mixed messages about the estate
- if I refuse this flat, the ones I get offered in future might be smaller
All these thoughts have got my head in a spin and make me feel thoroughly without focus. I guess this is where old Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, proves itself (if only I had realised when I first came across this, at the tender age of 18, that I would be citing this theory and relating it to real life experiences!!).
Feeling I have a lack of security regarding my home, means that I am unable to achieve self-actualisation, displayed through creativity.
Despite providing me with a very plausible reason for feeling ‘blah’, this ’sucks’!
