Uh-oh
May 4th, 2006Went to college last night and from ten minutes into the session I felt like I wanted to get out. I signed up for a Collage & Painting course on the understanding that it would cover things like design and composition, I guess I was looking for something quite structured and directed. What I found was that the classes are quite ‘free’ and it feels a bit like a couple of hours for me to ‘play’ which isn’t what I signed up for. I was in a totally lost state, unable to fathom what to do or how to do it. I just sat there for near enough the whole class looking vacantly around the room at other people diligently arting away, cutting, painting, gluing and re-arranging their collage elements whilst I felt completely overwhelmed by the freedom to do my own ‘thang’. How can I break the ‘rules’ if I don’t first know what they are?? Perhaps this is the reason that there are only 3 people in the class that have been on it for the rest of the year whilst the rest of the group are all new. Maybe my feelings of being trapped, panicking and wanting to run away and never going back are about my expectations of the class and not having them met. As an educator my philosophy has always been ‘you might want for me to give you the answers, but you need me not to’, but from the other side I can see how frustrating it can be not to be told what to do.
Talking over my feelings with Miles after the class he poiunted out that this type of ‘learning’ was making me feel so panicky because it is outside of my comfort zone. Ordinarily I would say that going outside of one’s comfort zone was a positive thing but now that I actually have to do it I feel terrified. When I explained to Rupert how I felt and why I thouht I was feeling like this (expectations, wrong head-space etc.) he suggested that I change course but I am determined to see this through. I think it would also be good for me to finish something. Miles pointed out that I am forever starting things, (like diets) and letting them all by the way-side. Perhaps it will be good for me to just do my own thing rather than be told what to do all the time, I could use class time to explore all the things that part of me wants to explore but never gets around to. I think I’m going to take with me the paints and mediums I am comfortable with and the materials that I never use, and use them.
This week I am taking in my Arteffects book and some spaghetti and some lentils to use in making different paint effects. We’ll see where I go from there, I have some ideas for my ‘Walk in the Garden’ collage too.
